Election Day is Tuesday. I am looking forward to it. Why? By Wednesday, the political ads will be off the airwaves. I hate these ads. They are full of lies, half truths, and exaggerations. To prove my point, I thought we could have a little fun at my expense. Let's pretend I am a Virginia Delegate running for re-election. I'm going to address the charges made against me in these ads. Keep in mind this is satire. If you believe anything I say you should have your head examined. Deal?
I grew up in Massachusetts so I am automatically a liberal, right? I've lived in Virginia for more than 10 years but it doesn't matter, I don't know Virginia values. I am an outsider. I'm clearly not fit to hold office in Virginia.
My opponent's ads point out I'm not listed in the phone book. He calls it shameful. I plead guilty. I am not in the phone book. I am more of a texter than a talker. Sorry.
I admit I am close friends with President Obama. As a member of Virginia's House of Delegates, President Obama calls me once a week and orders me to vote for his job killing policies and his failed stimulus plan. You may not realize this but President Obama sponsors many bills that are voted on by Virginia's House. I only met Obama once during a campaign stop a few years ago but we are still very close.
You may have received a flier in the mail warning voters if they vote for me, their jobs won't be safe. It is true. I don't want you to have a job. In fact, I hope everyone in my district loses their job.
While I am at it, I might as well admit I am a liar and a tax cheat. I hope the IRS doesn't read this.
My opponent is criticizing me for voting to cut funding to education. He is right again. I am not a supporter of education. I don't think your kids should be educated. I support shutting down all the schools. However, I take issue with the charge that I cut funding to Virginia Tech. Not true. I am a huge fan of Virginia Tech football. How could I hurt my Hokies?
If you vote for me, your Social Security and Medicare could be in jeopardy. Granted these are federal programs but there is a chance Congress could fold and Virginia's House of Delegates will have to vote to continue these programs. There is a slim chance but it could happen.
Before being elected to Virginia's House, I was a prosecutor. My opponent says I let criminals go free. He is right. I want our streets to be unsafe. I want crime to go up. So I personally drove over to the jail, opened the cells, and let the criminals out.
I realize these political ads are a waste of time and money. I would stop but my opponent started it. I respectively ask for your vote on Tuesday. Time to go, President Obama keeps calling!